Surrounded by the Choo-Choo

Is a gift that is given but yet not known it is given sweeter than other gifts? I think so.

We have this train set for Georgia. It's been packed up in a box for almost a year now. I didn't think she was old enough yet, and maybe she's still not quite there, but my mom would have thought she was close enough. My mom always knew we were ready before we ourselves seemed to, and since this gift came from my mother in a round-about way, Georgia is getting it now.



The train set was bought by my mother to keep at her house for the grandkids when they came to visit. But when my mother was taken from us, and I knew that playroom would sit empty, I took a few things for Georgia to have from the happy room she would never know. So here we are with a train set.



Georgia loves trains right now. She loves to say "choo-choo" through her shy smile. And as soon as I set up the tracks and that train was whistling around the turns, where do you think she sat down to eat her lunch? Right in the middle of her new toy!



I love this little girl, and I love that every time I see her playing with this train and hear her "choo-choo," a little bit of my mother will be right there along with us.

Did I mention my mother's birthday was this past week? Yeah, Georgia got the train on that day. Happy birthday mom, I'm sent your wish up to heaven. I love you.

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A Trip to the Big City!!

It's funny, one month ago we lived in a place commonly referred to as "the big city" by many. Basically, if you lived in Nebraska or western Iowa and did not live in Omaha, then Omaha was the "big city." It has shopping, it has restaurants, it has crime, it has traffic, it has suburbs - all the conveniences (and inconveniences) we have come to associate with larger cities. If you lived on a farm or in a small Nebraska town, Omaha was the place you headed every now and then because you needed some new school clothes or you wanted a fancy anniversary dinner or your favorite singer was in concert - but you never stayed long, after all, it was the big city. By God, they had shootings there!

Fast forward one month to now... now I'm the one heading to the "big city." The big city in our life now - Raleigh, NC. It's about two hours from us, and it's the home of my husband's best friend - his former Air Force buddy and the best man in our wedding. The friend, Shane, is the kind of friend who didn't hesitate to drive four hours round-trip when we first moved to New Bern just to help us unload our moving truck. Is it ironic that he also drove hours to help us pack our moving truck when we moved to Omaha 5+ years ago? So when Shane, who typically works weekends, got a random Sunday off - we didn't hesitate to drive four hours round-trip to see him and enjoy a cookout at his house in Raleigh.

Georgia has only met Shane (now) twice, and has taken to him every time. She cutely says "Shane" which sounds more like "sane," wearing a proud smile every time she remembers his name. And on Sunday, that smile was plastered full-time on Georgia's face when Shane took us to the awesome playground by his house!

We hit the swings...


Even Shane got some time in...

Then there was the sand box...

And this thing you can jump on...





We left with sweaty brows, a few new mosquito bites and big smiles.

Shane also invited over a couple who has a daughter one month older than Georgia. It was so nice to see her play with someone her own age again. I still feel guilty for ripping her away from her little friend next door to us in Omaha. So for an afternoon, we all remembered what it was like to have friends close at hand. It was nice. I won't say I started to feel at home yet in this new state, but it's as close as I've been since we made the 1,400 mile leap here. It was just around the corner... I swear!

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I Am Torn

OK, when am I not torn these days? So much change, so much upheavel in our lives, so many adjustments that we're making - confusion just seems to follow. But now comes one more conundrum.

My husband had a job interview this week. Yeah! Of course, we don't know yet if he got the job, but the interview alone has led to so many feelings for me to contemplate. I know my hubby is feeling pulled in different directions as well.

Before I was laid off, we'd always been a two-job family, and Lord knows with what we're about to lose when we sell our house (literally more than I made at my first three TV jobs), we can use the second income again. But for six months now, Georgia has not been in daycare because there has been a parent out of work and at home. And now there's a chance that could change. It's hard. We know the reality - we both need to work - but the last six months have spoiled us and given us a peek into life without daycare. Honestly, I think it's a peek we didn't need. We were never thrilled about putting Georgia into daycare at three months old, when my maternity leave ran out, but we never knew it any other way so we did it. It was hard, but it was easy. Yeah, I know that doesn't make sense. But the easiness came from ignorance - the ignorance of not having lived the stay-at-home parent life.

But here it is. It could possibly be the last time Georgia has a parent with her all day. Could. Who knows whether my husband will land the job? Who knows if it will even pay enough for him to accept it? Who knows how we'll handle Georgia going back to daycare? Questions, quesions, questions - life is pouring questions these days. I stop to wonder if we could make the single income-family thing work, that is until reality comes and wallops me upside the head.

I know what the future holds, but for now I'll just keep questioning it. I'll hide from reality, for now, behind my questions and contemplations.

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Mommy/Daughter Day in the Gardens

If you read my last post, maybe you realized before I did that Georgia and I were in some serious need of mommy/daughter time - no daddy allowed. So when my husband needed to get some work done Sunday, I decided Georgia and I would head out alone. There would be no daddy to block her blows or tantrums!

Despite that fact that it's August and we're now on the Carolina Coast, I thought we'd take advantage of the once-a-month, free day at the Tryon Palace gardens. The palace is a historic site, the first state capitol of NC. So with a car thermometer reading 100 degrees and plenty of sunblock and water in the diaper bag, Georgia and I headed out on our own.

We stop for some deep fried sustenance on the way:


And then we stop for a sailboat to pass by:

(I can't tell you how happy I am to live once again in a place where drawbridges are a necessity!)

We parked on the street just a few hundred feet from the palace entrance, and as soon as I opened the car door, the sounds of a band filled the air. It wasn't just any normal-sounding band - it had the sound of colonial times - the raspy drums, the high pitched flute, the patriotic tunes. Georgia was delighted.

This was our first trip to Tryon Palace:


Georgia loved the twisty-turny paths through the flowers, but she wasn't so fond of those white sculptures in the background.


And every water fountain or pond sent her into a squealing fit, running straight for it as soon as she spotted it.


At almost 22 months, Georgia has her first encounter with a cannon. Is this significant? I have no earthly idea, but she thought it was cool.

The cannonballs, however, were another matter. They frustrated the hell out of her that she could not pick them up. All I kept hearing was "ball, ball, mommy, ball." Then the grunts of a frustrated toddler trying to pick up a heavy metal ball welded to 10 other heavy metal balls.


Oh, and try taking a toddler to a public garden where they're not allowed to pick the flowers. I promise you, the only thing they'll want to do is... yep, pick those flowers.



But hey, who's going to miss a blossom or two?

Amid the flowers and trees and paths and water fountains and buckets of sweat on this day, Georgia and I discovered some things.

We discovered it's really hot in New Bern in August. We discovered all the doors on the palace grounds are, indeed, locked.


We discovered cannonballs are heavy (especially when welded to others). We discovered hidden corners.


We also discovered that we still can get along with each other. There was not one tantrum, not one swing at mommy's head, nor one evil look in my direction.


We discovered a beautiful day.

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My Daughter HATES Me!

Yes, that's how I put it. My husband tells me hate is too strong a word and that Georgia is only 21 months old - she doesn't know how to hate and that she would never hate her mommy. Well, he hasn't been on the other end of her attitude for the past several months - attitude (hate) that has only gotten worse since we moved to North Carolina and my husband starting staying home with Georgia every day. Trust me, the girl can't stand me.

My sweet, little, innocent girl who once wanted only me and my milk-filled breasts is gone. I wish I knew where she has gone. Maybe there's just lingering anger over the whole milk-going-away thing. Who knows? Who would have thought I'd be worrying about my daughter's anger issues so early on?

Since I work nights, I'm the last to wake up in the mornings. But when I do and I walk into the room, and as soon as Georgia sees me, she yells at me and makes a not-so-nice face. If I sit too close to her or her daddy, she hits me. If I try to pick her up, she yells and hits me. If I get anywhere near my husband, she yells and cries and hits me. I could go on and on with one situation after another, but I won't. I'll just say almost every one has a similar outcome to the ones I just described. Georgia has sat in the corner so many times for hitting me in the face and head that at this point, she thinks time-out is some kind of game and she doesn't mind playing it if it means she can pummel me. I'm getting my butt kicked by a 21-month old - how's that for embarrassing.

I will say, as my husband is quick to point out in her defense, that this all smacks strongly of jealousy issues. My daughter seems to be jealous if I have a relationship with her daddy or if I intrude on daddy/daughter time. She seems to want my husband all to herself. SHE'S 21-MONTHS OLD!!! REALLY??

I'll admit, it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I try not to be the "oh woe is me" type. It's not about me, it's about her. But it is hard not to let my pained heart have its way sometimes and just feel deflated. All those months of not drinking while pregnant and breastfeeding, no caffeine, no raw foods, very little processed foods, being the only one to get up at all hours of the night to feed and comfort her, the efforts I went through to breastfeed - no dairy for me, the painful Mastitis, the surgery, pumping at work (near impossible in my field) - all of it I did for her without a thought of myself in my mind. So yes, maybe it's a little childish that I know cry "this is how she repays me?" because I did all those things early in her life, not to be "repaid" some day, but just so she was taken care of in the best way possible and had the best start in life.

I just want to figure out how to calm the waters. I don't want her angry, and I don't want her mad at me. I hope this is not an indicator of the relationship she and I will always have. What does that say about me? Have I already failed as a mother in just the first 21 months? Did I ever act this way as a toddler? I wish to hell my mother was still alive for me to ask her that. Have other mothers gone through similar situations with their daughters?

Let me tell you, forget the toddler hits, it's my mind that's truly getting pummeled as I wonder about all these questions and concerns. Who ever thinks their daughter will act this way toward them before she hits those crazy teen years? I would be prepared for it then - an over-hormonal young woman trying to figure it all out and lashing out at me - OK. But at 21 months? That wasn't in the "Kids for Dummies" manual.

Moms, am I alone in this?

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The Day of B's

With all the moving and juggling and unpacking and juggling and address change paperwork and juggling and new job and juggling and... OK, you get the picture... with all of the things that come with moving half way across the country, after three weeks in our new hometown, we needed to get out (again). Georgia was climbing the walls! So I'll bribe you to forgive the world's longest sentence with some pictures of our sightseeing day in Eastern Carolina.

We made it the day of B's (unintentional, but it made for an easy title). We first headed to Beaufort, NC. Yes, there is a better known Beaufort, SC, but there is a big difference between the two - pronunciation. Southerners obviously can not agree on how to pronounce "Beau," but I'm going to side with North Carolina here. Most of us know Beau is a traditional southern name, and it's pronounced "Bo." And in NC, Beaufort is pronounced "bo-furt." In SC, it's "bew-fort." So we headed to the seaside port of Beaufort.

We took a walk along the docks and enjoyed the scenery - boats, birds and beauty. (see, more B's!)



So almost three weeks of living only 30 minutes from the beach and no stop yet at the beach?!?! So guess what the other "B" of the day was?? BEACH!!!!


Georgia was giddy as we walked along the shore, our bare toes digging into the sand.

She even came up with her own little "happy beach dance" as we walked along, and she'd give my husband and I a laugh every few minutes with her rendition of it. She would try to chase the waves when they wouldn't come to her quickly enough, and then she'd giggle and giggle when they finally did.




Her happiness was truly infectious.

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Everything's A Changing...

"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom." ~Confucius

Well, if Confucius had it right, my life should be fireworks and puppy dogs and giggles and pure sunshine mixed together with a Master's degree from Harvard.

My life has been full of constant changes, many of them in the last five years, and I just capped it off with a big move halfway across the country for my family and I. We are now on day seven of being gone from our old home town and on day five in our new town. We're still living in a hotel, our dogs are still at the kennel and we hope (hope) to have a place to rent squared away in the next two days. It has been a longgggggg seven days.

We left our Omaha home on Monday...

... drove through Iowa and Illinois...

... Indiana and Kentucky...

... West Virginia and then Virginia...

... and we reached North Carolina at night (so no pic). Georgia and I were in my car...

... my husband and the dogs were following us in his car.

Georgia has virtually lived in her car seat and has grown to hate it so much more, but with everything she's gone through in the last week, she has been amazing. Yes, we've had more than our fair share of toddler tantrums, but she is taking all of this change in stride. She is my little trooper. And my husband and I have survived more than our fair share of stress so far. I've decided that if a marriage can handle a major move like this, then I don't think there's anything that can crack it. Although we will all be living in a small, two bedroom rental for at least the next six months, so I might change my theory sometime in the near future to "surviving six months in a super small rental."

So in one week, we have gone from this:

Omaha, Nebraska


... to this:

New Bern, North Carolina

Today is my last day before I start my new job. Remember, I haven't worked since the beginning of February, so this will be interesting. I will miss so much I feel I have gained in the last five months - time with my family, dinners at home, days with my daughter - but I will also be happy to regain some of the things I miss about working. I go into this with very mixed emotions.

But that said, today was (as much as it could be) Georgia's day. After another breakfast at the hotel, we headed to the aquarium.

Georgia loves aquariums! We had a great one at the Omaha zoo, and I'm glad we have one now about 35 minutes away.

So that's where we spent some time today, and Georgia just ran circles around the place.

It's the happiest I've seen here in a week, and you can't imagine how much that warmed my heart. Of course, she ran and ran and ran until we made it to the gift shop where she promptly parked herself amongst the stuffed animals.

Aw, my darling hasn't been changed too much by the move.

I'm sure while much in our lives has changed, it won't be long before we find our rhythm and return to some new "normal." After all, the only thing that never changes in life is change, right? I just hope that calm returns and hangs around for a while - I could use it... and I think my husband could too.

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